Earlier this week, the world received some conclusions in an incredibly important investigation. Let me clearly and boldly declare: I don’t buy it! Seems like a partisan witch hunt. Oh, sure, it makes sense that some Asian mother living in Vancouver thought she’d boldly innovate the “Take your daughter to work” day by amending it to “Take your daughter to work as often as you want and have her perform modern day minstrel Grams hopefully building a career and earning enough money to eat off your nine year old.” But, sorry, I don’t buy it…too easy…too Occam’s Razor. Other possibilities are out there, and I think we’ve sliced them all away a bit too eagerly. So here’s a quick 3 which I am sure many would agree are just as plausible as a failed realtor amusing herself at her job by having her daughter perform digital blackface in the hopes of getting as rich as the daughter already purports to be:

 

Lil Tay Is a Cyborg
This is a very simple math equation. Do we know how far A.I. has really gone? We know you can find a myriad of posts informing us that robots perform tasks better than us. We know cars are learning how to drive themselves though maybe not safely. We know Alexa and Watson are scary. Lil Tay does a lot of things better than us + Lil Tay is hella scary = Lil Tay is a Cyborg pretending to be human

 

Lil Tay Is Actually an Adult with a Pituitary Gland Disorder
This is very sad. Lil Tay could be 25 with an unfortunate growth hormone issue that makes her appear 9. Looking so young, it’s difficult for her to begin a career and be taken seriously. Bitter over years of frustration, she decides to get revenge on the world by bamboozling us and hopefully earning money from it. If you were treated like McGruff every day, would you care about any pain and suffering you caused others or just laugh to the bank once you got nearly 2 million followers on Instagram?

 

Lil Tay Is Pinocchio
This is a tale that could happen to any of us. Maybe there once was a nice little girl named Megan(?) Tian who was tricked by some adults into going to some cool sounding place called Pleasure Island. Once there, she followed what the other kids did and proceeded to get drunk, smoke some cigars, and play pool; but she didn’t know that all of her actions and being on Pleasure Island cursed her into becoming a jackass. Now in our world: the adults seem to be her mom, Pleasure Island is Instagram, the vices are all that cursin’ and stuntin’, and of course the jackass is Lil Tay. Poor puppet.

 

Quick tangent, Disney can be dark, yo. Ok, let’s finish this.

 

I vote Pinocchio. It helps me direct all of my anger at the puppet master and laugh pityingly at the jackass who will hopefully get some help one day.